July 24, 2009 - Safe Harbour IV

"And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was covered with the waves; but He Himself was asleep." Matthew 8:24
Yesterday was a pretty good day. We got a lot of work done and had fun while we were doing it. I am really struggling to love Cal, even though he probably can't really tell. I have found, however, that when I am with other people, it becomes a lot easier. Deep inside, I want to "fix" Cal without having to put him into a facility or send him to a psychologist. However, I know my motives are selfish because he really does need mental evaluations and counseling on life skills. However, if the psychologist and the facility are not Christ-centered, I don't know if it is the best thing for him. Aside from his illnesses and pains from the past, I see a heart that loves Jesus. Thank God he grew up in the church and learned a lot about Christ through mission trips and Christian camps. Unfortunately, his chances of learning how to follow Christ better have been robbed by those who have prevented his opportunities to be in church and Christian community. I feel as though if I let him follow me, You could teach him how to follow You through me. After all, are we not called to disciple, as well as be discipled? This whole issue is going to take great clarity, as we are dealing with a life riddled with neglect, abuse, ridicule, and trauma. His parents gave up on him, his friends gave up on him, and even some of them in missional community have given up on him. What surprised me the most at Celebrate Recovery was that he did not shy away from talking, but was honest about his depression. Also, he prayed a prayer that was something I would have prayed myself. And to be honest, if he wasn't that annoying or immature, things would be a lot easier! Lord, teach me patience. Teach me love that surpasses the surface characteristics, and goes straight to the heart. Teach me how to disciple Cal in a way that empowers him not only to develop his own intimate relationship with You, but in a way that helps him deal with his past and those who have wronged him. Lord, You have given me the responsibility of taking care of Cal, so help me take this seriously, and not try to just "babysit." Help me to teach him how to love You more, and grow me through that. Amen.

July 23, 2009 - Safe Harbour III

"And when He got into the boat, His disciples followed Him." Matthew 8:23

Yesterday was a pretty good day. We got a lot of work done, but it was really hot! I could not find the place that A.A. was at, and I was and am pretty disappointed about that. For some reason, I cannot get around if I don't have clear-cut, written directions, and so was the case last night. I spent about three hours driving around aimlessly in the middle of nowhere trying to figure out how to get back to the house. However, it's a new day, and You are with me. Cal is starting to open up a little more with the guys, and they are opening up a little more with him. They have loved him very well and it has really been a blessing to see that. Sharon spoke with his dad yesterday, and he pretty much said he doesn't want anything to do with him. So, we will take care of Cal until the place that You want him to be is revealed. Please provide a place that I can stay with him until he does find a more permanent place to lay his head. Amen.

July 22, 2009 - Safe Harbour II

"But Jesus said to him, 'Follow Me; and allow the dead to bury their own dead.'" Matthew 8:22

Yesterday was an unbelievably tough day. As more and more events unfolded, I realized that Cal was not the person that I had come to believe he was. For he, too, is a man that has suffered great hardship. He too has suffered the effects of abuse, neglect, and tragedy. Now, it has been given to me the task of loving him. But I have so much trouble loving the mentally ill! I didn't have the patience in Galveston, and I don't now! Why must people neglect their children? Why must people hand off their responsibilities of loving their own children to those who can't even love themselves? Lord, I need compassion. I need a divine installation of compassion in my heart for this suffering 25-year old boy. May You dig up inside of me a love that has not been found yet - a love that can only come from You, and no one or nowhere else. I cannot do this on my own, for I have not the patience nor the compassion. But through Your strength, I know this can happen. You loved all of us so much that You gave Your life for not only the ones who loved You, but the ones who hated You. Teach me how to love the ones that annoy the shit out of me. Teach me how to love the ones who hate me. Amen.

July 21, 2009 - Safe Harbour

"And another of the disciples said to Him, 'Lord, permit me first to go and bury my father.'" Matthew 8:21
Lord, today a decision will have to be made. And that decision involves finding a safe place for Carl. I am at a loss for what to do, and I only know that sending him to Lafayette is what not to do. Lord, the grace that You have shown me must be dispensed out to Carl, for he is a child of God, and he must be loved and cared for. Stu and Amy are at the end of their rope with Carl and so it is time to find him a more permanent place where he can be taught basic life skills and be taught spiritually. I trust fully that You can work in Carl's life as You have worked in Stu and Amy's lives. He has been snuffed out from any possibility of being in Christian community, and that is what they do not understand. Since they have not experienced the Church and her community, they know not the amazing wonders that You present through it. Lord my humble prayer this morning is about the unknown. It is about inviting Carl into Christian living and community and allowing You to grow him, and not people. Stu and Amy are ready to faithfully follow You, and this burden is one that they can't carry anymore.

July 20, 2009 - Bitterness

"And Jesus said to Him, 'The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.'" Matthew 8:20

This week has been very tough! It seems as though I cannot escape the grips of selfish thought, anger, and impatience. I have been humbled again through Stu and Amy, as I have tried to instill my own agenda and my own timing onto their lives, and they'll have none of it! Praise God for that, huh? Last night the bitterness I've held onto dearly over the last couple of weeks came to the surface. It's a bitterness that, if I'm not prayerful and careful about, could take me by storm. Lord, cure me of this disease of bitterness. Help me to realize constantly that You are mending my brokenness as well as the others around me, including the ones I am bitter toward. As I face a new day, continue to teach me how to lose all agendas when I go to worship tonight, and focus solely on worshiping You in a community of believers.

Adoration: Advocate, Liberator, Saviour, Redeemer, Deliverer, King, Teacher, Guide, My Rock, Forgiver

Confession: anger, resentment, joylessness, lust, impatience. Lord, please forgive me for these sins.

Thanks: community, sobriety, provisions, A.A., Celebrate Recovery

Petition: jobs, anger, impatience, counselor

Lord, I lift this prayer to You and ask that Your will be done in each. Amen.

July 19, 2009 - Still Angry

"And a certain scribe came and said to Him, 'Teacher, I will follow You wherever You go.'" Matthew 8:19

Yesterday, I was so full of anger. I don't know the root of all this anger. I don't feel like I've ever had this sort of stuff coming out of me at such a constant pace. I can't stand it. Maybe I just need to take a step back and just pray the next time it happens because I definitely have not spent enough time doing that in those situations. Today will be week two of setting up goals with Stu and Amy, and I am half skeptical and half hopeful. Lord, You are working in their lives ever day. Help me to see that. I made a new friend, Scott, last night, and out of all the guys at the meeting, he was the one I could truly tell that wanted to quit drinking. I pray that a good friendship and accountability evolve from this and we can watch out for one another. Thank You for everything You've done. Amen.

July 18, 2009 - Mad as a Hatta

"Now when Jesus saw a crowd around Him, He gave orders to depart to the other side." Matthew 8:18
I am exhausted to the core. My heart is sick with resentment to those who have offended me in just the last week. I cannot help but to wonder what it is You are trying to teach me right now, and whatever it is, it is painful. Maybe it is burn-out, exhaustion, or just plain weariness, but it does not feel good. At A.A. yesterday, my soul filled with so much anger that I could not sit still. I felt like I was being singled out for fending for the woman that left the room. Never do I want to go back to that meeting because of the poor leadership and attitude of the group as a whole. I felt as though everyone had the agenda of selfish thought, and I could not handle it. Lord, please provide a meeting at 3:00pm on Thursdays that will have people with loving hearts and no agendas. Margaret came to me last night admitting that she had been wronged a long time ago. Thank You for using my story to reveal pain in other peoples' lives. Please help Margaret as she begins the journey of examination and forgiveness. Today, I will be going to help Stu and Amy with their goals. Please prepare Stu's heart as we go to our first C.R. meeting ever! Remove our agendas, and help us to be humble as we face our pains and continue in the journey of redemption. Amen.

July 17, 2009 - The Cries

". . . in order that what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah might be fulfilled, saying, 'He Himself took away our infirmities, and carried away our diseases.'" Matthew 8:17

Lord, You have surrounded me with the cries of those suffering with the same illness, and I know I am not done. For You are taking away my infirmities and carrying away my diseases. Today, I kind of did a bad job with scheduling and put myself right out of work. But, I trust that You will make me into a better scheduler as the days go by. Guide me today as I strive to seek first Your Kingdom and Your righteousness. Amen.

July 16, 2009 - Journey of Forgiveness VI

"And when evening had come, they brought to Him many who were demon-possessed; and He cast out the spirits with a word, and healed all who were ill. . ." Matthew 8:16

Last night was very tough for me. For it was the first time yet that I received words of good intention that were contradictory to what You have been commanding me to do in the area of forgiveness. I must confess that my humility had gone to the wayside as I outright defended myself to the core. However, after weighing out everything Mick and Anne said to me, I decided it would probably be best to do what I know in my heart is right, even if horrible consequences are to follow. You have called me to forgive, and I have already spent way too much time doing nothing about it. For I know in my heart and through Your Word that You command me to forgive, and You gave us no conditions by which to forgive. I cannot wait any longer, and I will send off the letter of forgiveness today. Please protect me oh God, for I know that the Enemy lurks in the darkness waiting for one wrong step, to attack with the force of all the unseen. But You are victorious, and You are the Advocate of all who follow You. You will never leave me, and You will protect me and guard me from the spirits unseen. Hold me, Lord Jesus as I venture into the unknown, into the uncertain darkness that awaits me. Amen.

July 15, 2009 - Journey of Forgiveness V

"And He touched her hand, and the fever left her; and she arose, and began to wait on Him." Matthew 8:15Lord, I have decided to forgive Trey through writing. I feel as though the longer I wait to find a convenient time to visit, the more I will procrastinate. This is something that is not worth waiting for because I have already waited for sixteen years. The only reason I wanted to visit is I felt like I am copping out when I write. But Lord, I trust that You can make it work, regardless of how it is done. I trust that You provide the same kind of freedom regardless if it is through writing or visitation. I have not received a clear answer in this matter but know that forgiveness must happen. So, I will write.